12 things you never thought you’d say… until you hit midlife

1 “I can’t hear myself think in here”
Standing around in bars used to be second nature, but the day comes when you need to go somewhere you can take the weight off your feet, get a platter of gyozas and hear the chat above the music. 

2 “I wouldn’t kick Monty Don out of bed”
Look, we don’t want to face up to the fact that the day when we would have a chance with Mark Ronson (in our dreams) has long gone. But it’s fine – we just move on to fancying age appropriate men: form an orderly queue, Larry Lamb, Phillip Schofield and Monty Don. Imagine how good your garden would look if you had a fantasy fling with The Don though. 

3 “Yessss! Drinks are cancelled”
Nothing beats the pleasure of an unexpected evening at home, especially if it (whisper it) means you don’t need to miss Love Island. And don’t even get us started on the horror of trying to survive two nights out in a row.

4 “Still got it”
Once upon a time you’d give the feminist finger to that wolf-whistling white van man. Now, they get a “HIYA!” as you nearly drop your sourdough chasing that van like a Poundland Benny Hill because you want to flag them down to thank them.

5 “Can you see my chin hair in this light?”
In the ’90s we’d be asking: “Does my bum look big in this?” Now we have new priorities. If you haven’t recoiled in horror under bright lights, are you even in midlife? The moral of the story is never brave an easyJet toilet without your tweezers.

6 “Oof”
When did we start making that noise of sheer relief and creakiness when we sat down? What do we think it’s going to achieve? And where has it come from?  7 “I’m trimming my bush this weekend”

No, not going for a Brazilian, but the garden centre. Because sometimes a big weekend means stocking up on perennials. See also: the joy of a National Trust membership.

8 “No, I’m not having a midlife crisis”
You can’t get anything pierced/dyed blue/waxed these days without people raising their eyebrows and giving you that knowing look.

9 “What did I come upstairs for?”
That moment when you get to the top of the stairs, forget why you’re there and then remember the moment you get back down.

10 “I wouldn’t get on that trampoline if you paid me”
Jumping, laughing, sneezing: all activities that have your pelvic floor wagging its finger and telling you to stop ignoring your Squeezy app.

11 “Turn the thermostat down”
Is it me or is it hot in here? Oh, right. It’s me.

12 “I’m gonna take my horse to the hotel room. I’m gonna riiiiiiide…”
Because midlife is the time when we realise we don’t care. We’ll pump up the tunes and belt out inappropriate lyrics when we’re driving along, while the kids cringe in the back seat. And we’ll attempt to dance like Miley Cyrus and not give a shit if we look more like Billy Ray. And do you know what? We’re loving every minute.

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